PokéHammer 40,000
by qwarq
Summary: The world of Pokémon is threatened by an intergalactic alien menace, but the lone Space Marine sent to help can't do it alone!


It was a clear, sunny day in the outskirts of Celadon City. Ash, Misty, Brock and Pikachu were enjoying a picnic in the wide open, grassy fields. Ash and Pikachu were still on cloud nine from their recent victory over Erika, the Celadon City gym leader.

"Pi pi pika. Pi ka chuuu!" Pikachu declared happily.

"You're right, Pikachu we really showed Erika who's boss!" said Ash.

"Hey you two, don't let it go to your head. You did well, but there's bigger challenges ahead." Brock said as he sagely stared off to the horizon with his eyes closed. He hadn't quite been the same since he was hit by a wild tail swipe from Onix. His retinas had detached, rendering him blind.

Ash had been too distracted to heed Brock's advice. Misty and Starmie had gone for a dip in the nearby stream. After traversing an entire country on foot with two slovenly guys, she had taken to bathing at any chance she could find. Ash's gaze was fixed as Misty submerged herself in the clear water and breached the surface, whipping her head back to fling the excess water from her fire-red hair.

Starmie, being the playful Pokémon that he is, sprayed his water gun in her face jokingly. Misty was taken by surprise at first, but a smile quickly spread across her face as she began to splash water back at him.

"God. Damn." Ash's mouth was agape. He turned toward Brock. "You poor bastard."

A single tear rolled down Brock's cheek.

The uncomfortable and vaguely pedophilic display was thankfully cut short by a bright flash from the sky, almost as if a bolt of lightning was flashing across the clear sky overhead. The gaze of all humans and Pokémon (except Starmie, because he apparently doesn't technically have eyes... and Brock because he's blind) instantly shot upward.

"What the fuck is that?" Ash's vulgarity took Pikachu by surprise at first, but then realized his expletive was apt, since this shit is whack. A large fireball streaked across the sky, becoming larger with each passing moment. Misty quickly came stumbling up the hill with Starmie in her arms, both still soaking wet and not taking her eyes off of the anomaly.

"I... I think it's heading straight for us." Misty's fear was becoming apparent. A moment more of its rapidly increasing size convinced her of its landing site. "Oh god..." She quickly grabbed Ash's hand, pulling him and Pikachu on his shoulder as fast as their legs would carry.

"Huh? What's going on? Ash? Are you there?" Brock was still sitting on the picnic mat with a dumpling in his hand. He took a bite and was immediately engulfed in the fireball crashing to the ground. By now Ash and Misty were a good 200 yards away.

"Oh my god, Brock!" Misty yelled as they turned back just in time to see the crater being formed. The pair began to rush back to the impact site, hoping a fried Pidgey wing or two had been blow clear and was still edible. They took their picnics seriously.

A wall of smoke and dirt slowly settled to reveal not a mass of rock from space, but a metallic egg-shaped object towering nearly twenty feet above them. It appeared to have vertical fin-like protrusions extending the height of the object. Several small jets of steam hissed out from the object as several thin flaps began to pivot downward, forming a ramp to the central interior.

With a slow march, a creature emerged. It was no man. This was more than a man. He stood taller than anyone Misty or Ash had ever seen. All but his head was clad in ornately decorated armor that must have weighed a ton on its own. In his arms was what, at first glance, appeared to be a cement block on a stick. Close inspection showed this to be no mere cement block; this was a war hammer. One which pulsed with pure destructive power.

The mountainous man halted several paces from the dumbstruck pre-teens.

"I am Lieutenant Caius, Space Marine of the Blood Angels. Children, I must speak with your caretakers post-haste. You will take me to them immediately." His grizzled voice whispered of decades of war between each word.

"Nice to meet you! My name is Ash Ketchum, and this here is Misty. I'm on a Pokémon journey to become the best Pokémon trainer in the world!" The naïve lad held out his hand for an ill-advised handshake which, thankfully, went unrequited.

"Perhaps my tone was not sufficiently dire for such youth. Child, I have come to warn this primitive world of its impending destruction. There is a Tyranid hive fleet en route. It has cleared a path through this sector leaving not a titmouse breathing. Civilian evacuation must begin immediately if you hope to survive." His face became even more stern. It was quite stern before but now his look alone could kill a goddamn elephant.

"Geez, mister. That sounds pretty bad, but my mom isn't anywhere around here. She lives all the way in Pallet Town." Ash said, oblivious as ever. Misty stood by him silently with her mouth agape as she stared longingly at the chiseled model of manliness that stood before her. "If you want to talk to an adult, you should look for Officer Jenny in Celadon City back that way." Ash pointed to the path off in the distance that lead them to their picnic site.

"Very well. You should not dawdle. If you wish to survive you should remain abreast of the evacuation plan. You will accompany me to direct me to this Officer Jenny." The trio set off down the road to Celadon city.

The Space Maine began to follow Ash and Misty into town when he paused suddenly. "Boy. There is a large rat on your shoulder." Pikachu pokes his head up from Ash's back and glared back at the living war machine. "It appears to be becoming hostile. Throw it on the ground and I shall cull it."

"Pika Pi!" Pikachu wasn't having any of that shit.

"Oh, that's just Pikachu. He's my best bud! He'll thunderbolt me once in a while, but I usually deserve it." Ash burst into laughter.

"Thunderbolt? You say this rodent can project electrical power?"

"Well yeah, that's what electric Pokémon do!"

Caius stared long and hard at Pikachu, as if looking for something. He walked as close to Pikachu as possible without crushing anyone under the industrial presses he called feet.

Caius spoke quietly "I can smell the Warp on this creature." Looking up from the electric rat, Caius realized he had been sensing a faint Warp presence since he arrived. "All of the creatures in this forest. I can smell the Warp in all of them." He had stopped to examine a weedle crawling on a nearby tree. "By The Emperor...".

A familiar rumbling began to shake the ground. Caius quickly found the source – another object careening toward to them from the sky. He quickly grabbed both children as gingerly as his massive power armor would allow and sprinted away from the soon-to-be impact site. The object hit with even more force than the drop pod, sending debris raining over group.

"Whoa, that was a close one. I hope that was the last of things falling from the sky." Ash complained as he dusted himself off.

"I wouldn't mind one or two more." Misty said under her breath, still clinging to the obscenely powerful and attractive man who had just saved her life.

Caius rose to his feet quickly to survey the impact. His fears were quickly realized, though, as a Tyranid warrior began to emerge from the smoldering asteroid. What had brought a lone Tyranid this far ahead of the fleet was anyone's guess, but all that mattered now was that this beast must be stopped. Caius grabbed his thunder hammer and prepared to smash the giant bug to a pulp, but was interrupt by Ash's yell.

"Charizard, I choose you!" A red and white pokéball was sent flying toward the Tyranid, out of which materialized the large, flaming dragon that is a Charizard.

"Chaos take me, what _is_ that beast?" Caius was dumbstruck.

"Charizard, it's a bug type, so hit it with fire blast!" Ash commanded. Charizard complied, swiftly sending a burst of pure flame at the advancing Tyranid. It was instantly set aflame and flailed wildly in pain as its flesh began to melt away. It dropped to the ground, motionless, dead, not even twenty seconds later. "Yeah! Super effective!" Ash and Charizard exchanged a high five before the dragon was sent back into his pokéball.

"The Warp energies wielded by these Pokémon creatures are incredible."

"You bet Mister! I'm the best Pokémon trainer there is!" Ash stood proud with his hands on his hips. "With the power of friendship and teamwork you can agblrblgbr-" His nauseatingly saccharine line was cut short by Starmie's water gun in his face.

"Be quiet you blockhead. Do you hear that?" As Misty's shrill, nagging voice faded, a deep rumbling became apparent.

"No! They could not be here so soon." Caius sprinted to find the source over the next hill along the path. Ash and Misty ran after him.

As they crested the hill, a grim and terrifying sight befell them. A legion of Tyranid forces were marching directly toward our protagonists. Caius's superhuman eyesight spied lumbering Carnifexes, ravenous Raveners, cunning Hive Tyrants, and... those weird psychic ones, y'know, the one that doesn't have legs. Damn, the name is on the tip of my tongue. Give me a sec...

Zoanthrope!

There were Zoanthropes there too. Caius gripped his thunder hammer with both hands and began to step forward.

"Pika Pi!" Pikachu jumped from Ash's shoulder and raced to Caius's side. "Chuu!" He said confidently, glancing up at the Space Marine.

"You wish to help, little creature?" Pikachu nodded dramatically "Very well. Do not get in my way."

Caius broke out into a full charge with Pikachu right behind him. He could keep up with the super-human Space Marine because he used agility a few times or something. The thunder hammer crashed to the ground sending the surrounding swarm of Raveners flying as the arcing lightning and shockwave turned them into a bloody mist. Pikachu's thunder ball rocketed across the battlefield, impacting a Carnifex head-on, creating an explosion sending tons of Tyranid blood and gore spraying over hundreds of feet.

Ash and Misty were sitting on the top of the hill overlooking the battle, looking on in horror at the carnage. Ash had his cell phone out recording the entire thing. Just think how many views this would get on PokéTube! Suddenly, the Carnifex's severed and inexplicably in-tact head slamed into the ground just feet in front of the kids.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ash immediately jumped back in terror. Misty calmly picked up Ash's phone that had been dropped in the confusion. She pointed it at the severed head and resumed recording.

"This is the most metal thing I've ever seen – and I've seen a Steelix." She said as her macabre fascination took hold.

Back at the battle, Caius's hammer was hurtling through the air, aimed at the head of a Hive Tyrant. Moments before impact, however, a psychic blast from a Zoanthrope knocked the hammer away from its target with such force that even the impossibly strong Space Marine could not keep his grip. The weapon flew clear across the battlefield, landing next to Pikachu who had been surrounded by a large number of Warriors. He glanced at the lightning-based weapon, surveyed his opponents and knew what he needed to do.

Pikachu sighed as he drew the Space Marine's thunder hammer. His powerful electricity manipulation powers combined with the massive electrical power contained within the hammer allowed him to wield it effortlessly. He lifted the hammer above his head and started charging his ultimate move.

"Piiiiiii Kaaaaa Chuuuuuuuuuuu!" A lightning bold struck the hammer powering it up to obscene levels. Pikachu spun the hammer around himself and every increasing speeds, creating a massive cyclonic vortex made of lightning. The tornado was so strong, that every Tyranid on the battlefield was quickly sucked into it. Pikachu stopped, raised the hammer again and released all of his, and the hammer's, energy upward as an enormous bolt of lightning. The incredible power shot all of the remaining Tyranid forces up through the atmosphere and into space with a collision course for the sun.

"Whoa." Ash, Misty and Caius said in unison.

Pikachu awoke several hours later with Nurse Joy's friendly smile looking down at him. To his side stood Ash, Misty and Caius.

"That was awesome Pikachu! They'll think twice before they mess with us again!" Goddamn Ash, you're an idiot.

"Creature, you are a powerful ally, however the Hive fleet will arrive momentarily. The Tyranid care not for a small electric rodent, even one of your caliber."

Pikachu stood up, still exhausted from the earlier fight but with unwavering confidence. "I can take them" his eyes said.

"No. Really. You're not going stop an entire Emperor-damned Hive Fleet." Caius crassly asserted moments before a 20-ton projective fired from a Tyranid cruiser impacted the Pokémon Center at a hypersonic velocity, killing everyone instantly.

THE END...?

Yes. It's the end. Everyone's dead and the planet gets overrun. What more could there be?


End file.
